Mythic Smeg Opens The Door To The Arcane
by A.A. Pessimal
Summary: About the daily horoscope pages of the Ankh-Morpork Times. How does it work on the Disc? Building on the notes in canon, from the Celebrated Discworld Almanac, as retrieved from a privy somewhere in the city. It even has the string threaded through the hole in the corner. birthcharts of the celebrated and famous, with analysis. And comments by William de Worde and others.


_**Discworld Horoscopes**_

 _ **We're back. Having been reading the Celebrated Discworld Almanack and assimilating the depth of information to be found therein upon the mystick and arcane art of astrology and zodiac-casting as practiced on the Disc, about its extent, history, traditions steeped in the dawn of time, et cetera, and how it comes about that the daily horoscope in the Ankh-Morpork Times necessarily has to spread over at least two pages. When your world has sixty-four star signs spread over thirteen Houses and, due to the passage of the Turtle through the heavens, the stellar picture changes so quickly that old signs drop out and new ones emerge over the course of an average human lifetime, you could be talking at least eighty-eight Signs all needing their own little paragraph every morning. This takes work. And it follows on that in a world fuelled by narrativium and literal interpretation – where As Above is very definitely followed by So Below – astrology is a dynamic practice, with some VERY definite interpretations. How would bespoke individual star-charts for named individuals work out, given the usual co-ordinates like place of birth, date of birth, time of birth, and of course the observed fact that in the Agatean system of named Year, those names and animal designations aren't just a pretty poetic metaphor….**_

 _ **Intended as an open-ended set of vignettes to be linked by mem**_ _ **os between editors of the Times, concerning the horoscope pages. To be added to.  
**_

 _ **Memo from the Editor of the Ankh-Morpork Times to Sub-Editor (Features):-**_

 _I have to say that I'm impressed that the Zodiac page is unfailingly presented to us each day despite the amount of work it must take. I do not even pretend to understand how it works, although Professor Stibbons did once take pains to try to explain the basics to me. (I gained the distinct impression he's a bit hazy about the finer points, too). Perhaps HEX is involved at some point? The mechanics of it all sound forbiddingly complex. Sacharissa assures me that it's a very popular feature, and many people buy the Times purely for the daily horoscope! It certainly generates material for the Letters page. Incidentally, who_ is _the mystery "W" who submits the page? - WdW_

 _ **Memo from Sub-Editor (Features) to the Editor of the Ankh-Morpork Times:-**_

 _I understand Professor Stibbons seeks to discourage input from HEX, or indeed the associated Glooper machine, on the grounds that the predictions could become_ **too** _accurate and, as he fears, somewhat determinative, with all the inherent potential for creating Paradox. Lord Vetinari has also made a few seemingly mild remarks concerning the advisability of keeping it all satisfactorily vague and ambiguous. Where necessary, a skilled copywriter adds the desired level of mystic ambiguity to the predictions submitted by "W". (Following the amusing mis-print, as you know, the relevant sub-editor is now known to the public as "Mythic Smeg"_ **(1)** _.)_

 _Frankly, we choose to have no idea about the identity of "W". It's safer that way. We know he also has significant input into the content of the yearly Almanack published by Goatberger and Cropper. They too take the point of view that the essential mystery of our mutual freelance should be maintained and respected. All we can safely say is that the day's predictions appear, in good time for inclusion in the paper, in the in-tray at the reception desk. Miss Chlorine Maccalariat, our Head Receptionist, is very adamant that she has no clue whatsoever as to how they get there. Apparently, they just appear. And, as we both know, Miss Maccalariat is_ **very** _vigilant in her duties. She is also a Silicaran with Trabnor rising and Mubbo in the Descendant. Apparently. We know this because the predictions arrive with her own bespoke daily horoscope paper-clipped to the top with a compliments slip. She appreciated the gesture and said it makes her day._

 _With regard to horoscopes, sir, "W" has proposed a new feature where prominent citizens in the public eye, newsworthy people, people who attract public attention, have their own individual birth-charts drawn and discussed at length. I believe this idea has merit, and may well be a salesworthy feature in the illustrated ladies' magazines edited by Ms Cripslock. A submitted sample feature is attached for your information, and for that of Ms Cripslock._ **(2)**

* * *

 **Doctor Johanna Smith-Rhodes-Stibbons is a well-known and generally popular Assassin in our city. Trained by the Guild of Assassins, she accepts the occasional professional Guild contract - surprisingly few of them to do with inhumation - and teaches at the Guild School in a broad range of subjects including Elementary Biology, Zoology, Animal Management, Applied Exothermic Alchemy and Unorthodox Combat Skills. These days she is also renowned as Director of the Ankh-Morpork City Zoo and is believed to be a consultant to Lord Vetinari on Howondalandian Affairs. She is married to Professor Ponder Stibbons, Vice-Chancellor and Factotum Universalis at Unseen University, and they have a daughter, Rebecka. The family reside in the Nap Hill district of Ankh in an area now informally known as "the Assassins' Quarter".**

 **Place of Birth:** The Piemburg Administrative District, Natal/Transvaal Province, Rimwards Howondaland.

 **Co-ordinates of place of birth (** _best approximation under the accepted Jorkie Wilson projection, based on actual place of birth being some thirty-eight miles Hubwards by Widdershins from the city of Piemburg_ **) (3)**

1 45' Widdershins, 164° 45' Rimwards

 **Date of birth: Octeday 1** **st** **June at 03:45 AM**

Born in the Year of the Tetchy Badger, known in Rimwards Howondaland as _Die Jaar van uiters ontstoke Rattel,_ or in local Morporkian as The Year Of The Stroppy Honey-Badger, and in the IsiZulu language as _The Year Of The Animal The Wise Warrior Treats With Respect._

The subject's hour of birth, in the Agatean system of correspondences, also deserves note. At 06:45 in Rimwards Howondaland in early June, the rising hour is that of the Tiger. We are told, in the correspondence system devised by Ly Tin Wheedle after much practical observation and reflection, that local factors and the specific precession of certain stars in the heavens subtly modulates the Hour of the Tiger into The _Hour Of The Aggrieved Female Tiger Who Is At That Stage In The Cycle Of The Moon Where A Female Of Any Species Gets Tetchy, And Requires Placatory Gifts Of Chocolate Or Such Small Comforts As Make Life Bearable._

Our subject was born under the sign of Cubal's Flame which at the moment of her birth was not only rising to the ascendant, it was also Martial, Triumphant and Exceedingly Aggressive. She was also born _over_ the Neck of the Turtle, which was, at the time of her birth, owing to the regular rotation of the Disc on the backs of the four World Elephants, directly beneath Rimwards Howondaland and conjunct her birthplace. With Cubal's Flame in the perpendicular and the Head of the Turtle directly beneath- _and_ directly under a nation like Rimwards Howondaland – this is the profile of a born fighter. Cubal's Flame, as we know, is the sign of warriors, fighters, and red-haired people with a temperament akin to a loaded crossbow with a defective safety catch. **(4)**

Being born over the Turtle's Head, and therefore under the direct influence of a _very_ close Heavenly Body, is a sign of one with a clear leadership vision, one who knows the right direction to go in, however difficult or arduous. The presence of Okjock the Salesman conjunct The Coffee Cup in her Second House suggests she will have great persuasive powers and the persistence necessary to get others to agree to her way of seeing things – always a desirable asset in a leader. And a sign of the Turtle's Neck is that the subject always knows when to withdraw – to figuratively retreat into the protection of the shell. Or, given her training and profession, a good Assassin always has a line of retreat planned out, in case the contents of the Upper Large Intestine And Transverse Descending Colon of the World-Turtle proceed to the Cloaca much sooner than anticipated under the laws of Astro-Biology.

Heavy activity in her Thirteenth House implies one who will have a close association with Death whilst not encountering the Alpha and the Omega herself. Indeed, an occluded and badly-aspected Trabnor eclipsed by Vut's Candle signifies one who has the psychic and magickal competence of a common housebrick. The Scythe conjunct Mubbo the Hyena in her Thirteenth is most auspicious for a career Assassin. Mubbo is the sign of those who stealthily prowl by night and who are remorseless and deadly should they encounter their prey: stalkers of all sorts, poachers, tax-gatherers, customs officers, and of course Assassins. Conjunct the Scythe, a sign normally only visible to Wizards, is the mark of one in whose presence Death happens _to other people_ , suggesting her to be a catalyst enabling Death to manifest and go about his business. This activity in Thirteenth, the House of Magick, also implies that she will be drawn to things and people of magic without comprehending them in any great depth of detail; regard, for instance, her choice of husband.

The Great Cow of Heaven is well-aspected and is on her descending Distaff side, and gives this person a not unbecoming softer and more feminine persona, normally subservient and regressive. She will appreciate the more domestic side of life, and the picture emerging is of a nurturing streak that will emerge late in life. Transits of the Great Cow with The Cradle nine months after a well-aspected Astoria's Flame will occur several times in her life, and it is noticeable that the first of these coincided with the birth of a daughter. **(5)** There are at least three more such transits across her horary chart in the next twelve years.

Teg The Horse (a sign of one who has affinity with Nature's creation) conjunct Evar's Footprint implies that her destiny is to be fulfilled a long way away from the place where she was born – it is noticeable the subject now lives and works in Ankh-Morpork. The Miller's Pocket, the sign of one who has very deep pockets and very short arms, suggests one who will be cautious with money and careful in its management – although the Great Cow being prominent is a sign of great generosity and the sort of financial acumen that knows when to spend money wisely.

There are potentially great things in the future for Doctor Johanna Smith-Rhodes-Stibbons. They may include, in the grand scheme of things, taking over and running a country, as her birth under an exceeding strong Cubal's Flame might suggest: or alternatively she may settle into long and happy married life, and consider running a home and steering the destiny of a family is enough. **(6)** A well-run home may be nation enough for her to preside over. Or not, as the case may be. Time will tell.

* * *

 **(1)** For a long time the horoscopes of now-defunct Sunday paper _**The News of the World**_ were done by an Up To Eleven stereotypical gypsy seer who stared at the reader over her crystal ball, with an expression on her face suggesting acute constipation. Maybe the energies of her Uranus were blocked by the constricting and opposing negativity of Saturn, or something. Anyway, she was known as "Mystic Meg".

 **(2)** For the precise identity of the mysterious W – well, I might reveal this later in the tale. But if you haven't read _**The Celebrated Discworld Almanack**_ and already know…

 **(3)** Discussed in a little more detail in my story _**Bungle In The Jungle**_ , where the Wilson Projection is used to identify exactly who's got a problem in Howondaland. To extend the metaphor, A.E. Pessimal and Ponder Stibbons threw a precisely-aimed dart at a map of the Disc, and it bounced off the wire separating two countries not disposed to be friendly to each other. The resultant bush war in Howondaland and its resolution, largely catalysed by one born over the turtle's head and below Cubal's Flame. is described in that tale.

 **(4)** Captain Carrot Ironfoundersson was also born under Cubal, but owing to strong modifying features in his unique natal chart, is of a far gentler temper and agreeable disposition, while not lacking in the leadership qualities and, at need, the fighting ability associated with this Star. He was also born over the Heart of the Turtle with the Eye of Io prominent on the horizon – signifying a charismatic leader with a passionate interest in serving the best interests of the disc and its people. By contrast, Sir Samuel Vimes, Duke of Ankh, was born over the Upper Large Intestine And Transverse Descending Colon of the World-Turtle in direct inconjunct to its Cloaca. This signifies one with a particularly transformative capacity for dealing with not especially appealing substances from which most of the worth has already been extracted, and speeding them towards their destination whilst identifying what little is left that is of worth and value, maximising the efficiency of a system and gaining the nugget of Truth to be found in a sea of… well, you get the picture. We have not yet taken the necessary deep breath which is required before attempting to cast the natal horoscope of Cecil St John Wormsborough Nobbs. We suspect some radical rethinking of the laws of Astrology will be required here.

 **(5)** Is it _really_ wise to publicly predict that Doctor Smith-Rhodes will have more children? Our contact at the Lady Sybil reported that on the night when Rebecka Smith-Rhodes-Stibbons was born, the heartfelt wish of the happy mother, expressed loudly enough to be heard several wards away from Maternity, summarised as " _Never again!_ " combined with dire threats directed at the proud father.(WdW)

 **(6) Memo from Lord Vetinari's office to William de Worde:** If you choose to publish, and I have no objection save for this one proviso, please edit out this last paragraph. I really don't want her getting ideas at _**this**_ stage in her life concerning returning Home and running for political office – by whatever means. And I'm sure she has enough sense not to attempt it here. In thirty years time, however, it may be a different story. She will require something to occupy her not inconsiderable energies when her children are grown up. Please refrain, for the moment, from publishing any analysis of _my_ natal horoscope. Although I have no doubt at all that "W" will submit an interesting one. Submit it to me, with all due alacrity, for my comments. (V)

 **Notes Dump:**

Ref to the _**Complete Discworld Almanack**_ (Yearbook 2005) This identifies "Wilf" quite conclusively. All star signs, stars, accepted meanings of the planets, Stars, Signs and Houses, terminology, et c, taken from the discourse on Discworld astrology comprehensively presented therein.


End file.
